You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
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TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Tell me you get it…🤣
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?