OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
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I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.