Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Yes my dude
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.