Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him