@ewfeez: Hacked again! Sometimes I wish I never grew up on 12,345,678th Street with a dog named Password.
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@FlyJ_: You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate? Yeah, she's staying at my house this week.
@PanicRestroom: I didn't say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
@curlycomedy: The Katy Perry song that goes, "You're hot and you're cold," was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
@dafloydsta: [bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor