Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
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god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards