Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
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*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Wasps: bees, but not helping
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
you stereotypes are all alike
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Meanwhile in Canada…
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.