Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
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[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Y’all know who you are.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear