Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
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me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.