Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
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I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.