Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
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Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Put a ring on it
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.