[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
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No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?