@LaetPO: Had a brainstorm, 32 neurons dead, 104 missing.
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@_Ms_Moneypenny_: The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I'm not sure if that's considered sexual harassment or flirting.
@pleatedjeans: [airport] For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class What's that? Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins [slaps table] SOLD
@PAT_E_ROCK: BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
@Six_Pack_Mom: Me, to 11 y.o: "You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid." 11: "Okkk... I'm sor- wait. Which sister?"