If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
You Might Also Like
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Same pineapple, same
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!