I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
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Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.