I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
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He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”