@crimson_n_aqua: Had a discussion with my boss about how lanyards can strangle.... conversation took a turn.... I am either fired or getting a HUGE raise x2
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@Jenny4ashley: If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
@garrydavenport: "We've been doing this for years, I simply can't be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?" - people who named the fly.
@JaymayAllDay: I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I'm not sure, I can't make out faces so well.
@jonnysun: MAGICIAN: think of a card! ME: ok. MAGICIAN: is… this ur card? [holds up card that says "UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP"] ME: holy crap