ME (calling my horse with no name):
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I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Go hard or stay average
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
need him
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
No, I don’t think I will.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out