Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
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My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Don’t snitch tag.