@PinkLipschitz: Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
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@ibid78: *shaves 'I ❤ Dogs' into my chest hair for the Westminster Dog Show but just as I take my shirt off a car full of cats rolls up*
@joejwest: [restaurant] WAITER: [brings bill] ME: I got this DATE: Thanks ME: [gets out piggy bank] [hits it w/ hammer] [it is filled w/ bees] ME: RUN
@clindsaysway: If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there'd be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
@AmishPornStar1: "Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you're outstanding too!" me, to the collection agency