@PinkLipschitz: Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
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@LostFelicia: Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
@qwertying: Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
@ShutUpThatsWho: [pirate ship capturing another ship] Pirate: Prepare to be bored! Other Captain: Don't you mean boarded? *pirate opens stamp collection*