Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
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I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner