Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
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My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
🤣🤣🤣
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.