@tomw1984: Had a fight with a janitor once, wiped the floor with him
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@iwearaonesie: wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER? [cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
@Marlebean: Hostess:There's a 45 min wait Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers! H:Let me ask my manager *2 min later H:It'll be 43 min
@Reverend_Scott: Don't bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
@LackOfShame: Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.