9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
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Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what