[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
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Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Has science gone too far?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.