Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
You Might Also Like
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Do not levitate over flowers
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Netflix and awkward silence?
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”