Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.