@scorpiusryan21: Had a skype interview yesterday and I completely avoided the fact that I am actually a centaur
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@goldengateblond: Tim Cook bravely announces he's gay. The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother. "We know, dear."
@david8hughes: "HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!" "Has it got ears?" "YEAH." "Tail?" "YEAH." "Is it the dog?" "I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF--AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!"
@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".