Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
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You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
This is the one
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me