What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
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Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
This is Sparta
it is time once again