Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
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This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Yes, but it was never about money
I’d … I’d rather not.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there