Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
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Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Did…did a minotaur write this
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you