Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
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Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Haha! 😂
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.