HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
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Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000