HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
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Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I hope they boil the right one.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along