@VaguelyFunnyDan: Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
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@AimeeHelene1: Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
@rolldiggity: Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy "doesn't exist" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
@Audenary: *notices ham sandwich while searching inside myself* 'wait, if that's here' *son opens lunchbox to find debilitating existential malaise*