Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
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Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
taking June’s advice to heart
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
😂💯
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake