Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
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Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
britain’s three elite institutions
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.