@Adam14: When people say "Let's not get off on the wrong foot here", I reply "Please don't get off on either of my feet".

@agathagotstoned: May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie

@The_MartiniGirl: The sampler tester at the liquor store told me to stop coming back every hour in a disguise.

@iGreenMonk: Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide. Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.

@AristotlesNZ: Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.