Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
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Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine