@LousyBastard: Had sex with my nephew's English teacher. Texted her the next day "Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!" so I don't have to see her again.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
@JediGigi: "Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There's Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!" --dogs
@hippieswordfish: robber: give me the money! *points gun at cashier* cashier: wait thats just a blow dryer nervous snowman patron: please just do as he says!