@LousyBastard: Had sex with my nephew's English teacher. Texted her the next day "Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!" so I don't have to see her again.
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@Book_Krazy: [Interview] Your resume just says "I'm a mom". Why in the world would I hire you? Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT'S WHY!
@Midgetspar: If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
@anbrll00: Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery. Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died Dr: yep
@ahamedweinberg: 2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.