@LousyBastard: Had sex with my nephew's English teacher. Texted her the next day "Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!" so I don't have to see her again.
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@1Happytwit: Cats don't come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can't put them in the washing machine.
@CornOnTheGoblin: Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club A lot of you came early, I'm not surprised
@ArfMeasures: [customs] "Passport?" *I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out* ME: OH NO OH GOD *still rummaging through bag* ME: I've forgotten it