I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
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The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.