@MarioInAZ: Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I'm chubby.
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@thatdutchperson: "And why did you join our gym?" ▫️to stay healthy ▫️a friend recommended it ☑️I've seen myself naked
@internetluke: [talking with counselor] I don't "know" what "she" means that I "use" excessive air quotes
@AnOrangeSNES: [1st Date] (Okay, don't let her know you're addicted to eating fruit) Me: This is good [2nd Date] [3rd Date] [4th Date] [5th Date] Her: Stop
@13spencer: Me: *pets dog* Dog: Ruff Me: *pets dog* Dog: Ruff Me: *pets dog* Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can't you moisturize?