@MarioInAZ: Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I'm chubby.
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@WeissBrandon: When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist.
@Dawn_M_: I stepped on two raccoons today, but I'm just gonna play it cool and wear them as slippers for the rest of my life.
@longwall26: Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say "Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?" then just sit there for 5 years.
@Fred_Delicious: *knock at the door* "H...hello?" "Hi, i'm not a mouse" "Phew, that's good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH