Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
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French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*