@MarioInAZ: Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I'm chubby.
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@shegotagronk: You're so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don't you.
@lazerdoov: Call your boring friend Simon, "Sighmon" he'll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
@DBMaxP: Nothing says "Proper Retirement Planning" like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
@petemandik: Scientists report global context shortage. "I guess I'll have flan," some scientist said, totally out of context.