♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
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4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing