@_Shizzle: Had to have "the talk" with my 5yr old. He asked me where sandwiches come from.
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@zwina_summer: Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he's on his way home from work.
@TitansHomer: How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room for being black. *drops mic, gets beat by security*
@ArfMeasures: ME: *realises I've just stepped on an ant* oh no JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant? ME: OH NO
@shashaintl: I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you're a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.