@BootsORiley: Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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@1followernodad: When you're checking for murderers in your house, don't just yell out "hello!" that gives them the upper hand. Yell, "YOU AINT SHIT!"
@KeetPotato: [babies txting] "my dad's thumb just came off" wtf "woah wait its back on again" no way "great he's stole my nose now" im phoning the police
@esuwalker: I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤ ~Conversations I have with my couch
@Midgetspar: My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."