Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
me irl
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”