Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
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HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”