Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music