Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance