HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
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Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it