HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
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Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
SPLOOT