HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Camping tip: No.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.