The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
That lamp looks PISSED.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
The pasta is now
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH