Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
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I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Just a bush.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.